Questions
by Linen Tartaruga
Summary: There were so many questions in the boy's eyes, in his face, in just his posture, and Roy wasn't sure if he was ready to hear them yet, even less sure if he was ready to answer them.


**Title: Questions  
Characters: **Ed and Roy  
**Summary: **There were so many questions in the boy's eyes, in his face, in just his posture, and Roy wasn't sure if he was ready to hear them yet, even less sure if he was ready to _answer _them.  
**Disclaimer: **If I owned FMA, then I wouldn't be poor and this wouldn't be a fanfic.  
**Rating: **T/PG  
**Warnings: **Implied shounen ai, emotional!Ed, some spoilers for the series, uncertain!Roy.

* * *

The sun was bright and blinded him as he finally left the Rockbell house, stumbling only slightly; that and the almost dull look in his eyes the only indication of just how exhausted he was. Meandering across the expanse of lawn that covered the Rockbells' backyard, he eventually came to the fence cutting off their property and leaned back against it, letting his eyes fall closed as he breathed in the silence that surrounded him.

"Where is Alphonse?"

The man's quiet voice cut across the silence, and Ed took a moment to contemplate why that didn't bother him as much as it would have three years ago.

"He's inside; our old room..."

"Mm. And how is he?"

"Tired," Edward sighed, opening his eyes to the sky and briefly following the path of a bird as it flew overhead, "Getting used to everything again... He's resting."

He could feel it as those dark calculating and measuring eyes turned to him, almost shivered under their scrutiny, though he couldn't even see it. "And shouldn't you be doing the same?"

The blonde had been expecting the question since before he'd even stepped outside. Even so, he still didn't have an answer. He knew that, even if he had tried, he wouldn't have been able to sleep; he was still too high...and too afraid that he might wake up to find he'd been dreaming again. Besides, he'd _fought_ through worse than simple exhaustion, all for his brother, and though it wouldn't be necessary anymore, it was almost habit. He just needed to get his bearings back.

"Feel like going for a walk?" Ed asked, abruptly pushing off of the fence and starting towards the side that faced the road regardless. He knew he'd be followed and didn't even hesitate as he climbed over the fence and took up the path down the dirt road.

He was easily caught up to, the man keeping a step behind the blonde, not as familiar with the town. He kept a careful eye on the boy; he didn't appear to be entirely unsteady, but Edward, while not necessarily good at hiding his emotions, was damn good at hiding physical weakness.

The road eventually joined another larger one that winded and twisted its way through the town of Rizenbul, occasionally bisecting, joining, and separating from other smaller roads, like the one they'd left behind at the Rockbells'. In either direction was simply an expanse of farmland, dotted by farmhouses and a few grazing animals, the small mountain range just visible in the distance. They stayed on this road for quite some time, about twenty minutes by Roy's estimation, until they came to a small sheep farm. One of the fluffy animals stared at them through the fence locking the flock in as the two Alchemists finally turned off of the main road.

After another ten minutes, they passed a small chapel -- a little white-washed wooden building sitting alone among the empty landscape -- and Roy couldn't help but be surprised as Ed slowed down and led him towards the building. After a moment, the man realized that it wasn't the chapel that they were heading to, but a small cemetery off to the side of it, and a sudden stab of realization widened those normally calm eyes. But he remained silent; Edward obviously had a reasons for bringing him here, and he would allow the boy to get to it in his own time.

Edward led them silently through the graveyard, remembering the exact spot he was looking for even after so many years. His breathing was becoming a bit labored after the long walk, still feeling drained but doing his best to ignore it.

"You were the only one who understood us," the boy murmured finally once they came to a stop in front of a modest headstone. "You were the only one...who understood what we were trying to do...and why."

Roy watched the blonde thoughtfully, noting that he seemed more tired than when they'd first set out, but not daring to say anything.

"You never questioned us..." Edward finally paused and Roy took that as his turn to speak.

"There was never any point."

Those golden eyes turned to him and, if he were a lesser man, he might have quailed under that gaze. There were so many questions in the boy's eyes, in his face, in just his posture, and Roy wasn't sure if he was ready to hear them yet, even less sure if he was ready to _answer _them.

"I know you, Edward," he continued anyway, "From the time I first came to this town I knew that you would follow whatever path you set out on until the end, and no one could change that except yourself, no matter how many perfectly logical points they brought up."

The boy had gone back to staring at the headstone, but he didn't speak. And so Roy continued, "If there was any possibility that you would be swayed, it would be because _you _realized something, not because of something anyone _else _told you. I understand this. And I think I understand why you brought me here."

"You think you do?" Edward snorted, his hands clenching slightly at his sides, "Then why don't you tell me?"

Roy's eyes narrowed imperceptibly at the challenge and disbelief in the boy's voice, regarding him, measuring his mood. "Because you don't believe I understand why you were in this predicament in the first place. It's an understandable assumption to make, considering how I greeted you that night." Images from the meeting flashed before the man's eyes -- a small broken boy, bandaged and confined to a wheelchair, pushed around by a ten-year-old cursed to live his life as a hulking suit of armor, those bright yellow eyes drowned in guilt that overflowed in tears as the Lieutenant Colonel lifted the boy by his collar demanding to know, _Why!_ Perhaps he'd overreacted a little, but not even Ed blamed him for it.

"I wish I had known her," he murmured finally, reading the simple inscription on the grave, "To have raised you and your brother, knowing all you've accomplished, she must have been an amazing woman. But even knowing only her name, Edward, I can understand why." Roy reached out, gently tucking the blonde's hair behind his ear and worrying a bit at how pale his complexion seemed to have gotten. "Whether you like it or not, Edward, you and I are very much alike."

"Alike, huh?" the boy muttered, his tone bitterly amused. "Did you think about it, Roy? Did you think about diving into the realm of forbidden Alchemy? About performing the worst sin against god? Did you want to bring Hughes back, Roy? And all those Ishbalans you killed? Oh, and let's not forget about the Rockbells; did you think about it then too, Roy?" Edward could see the pain and anger rising in the man, but as much as he hated it, he wanted it. "But that's all you did, isn't it? You _thought _about it. _That's _where we're different, Roy. You thought about it. Al and I studied for _months_, planning and researching until we finally thought we were strong enough.

"But we weren't..."

"Edward..."

"And I still think, even knowing what I do now and after going through all we did that, if we were just able to find the right combination of materials and the right theory and get stronger that _maybe _we could get it right and be able to bring her back..."

"_Edward..._"

"Everyone is always going on about how strong I am and how talented... But I'm not; _Al's _the strong one. Al was able to move on afterwards. _He_ was able to realize that we could live without her. I told myself that I just wanted to give him back the life he deserved... Even when we were searching for the Stone I tried to convince myself that it was all just for Al but...I hated it. Just _watching _him everyday trying to move around in that damned armor and knowing that _I_ put him there. I couldn't take the guilt, _every day, _even knowing that I deserved it."

A bitter smirk twisted Edward's lips and he tilted his head to the sky, closing his eyes almost in resignation, "I'm such a selfish bastard."

Roy wasn't entirely sure what to say to that. He wanted to object, to assure the boy that this was all just his guilt manipulating the situation, but how could he compete against something Ed's own _mind_ was telling him was true?

"It's not just with him though..."

The man was left suddenly breathless as he found himself looking into those eyes again, full of something he wasn't sure he wanted to identify.

"You know you weren't my first?"

The question was just so seemingly random that Roy almost laughed. He got the feeling that that would have been the wrong reaction, though, and simply quirked an eyebrow at the boy.

Ed couldn't help but grin at the man's expression. "It was four years ago... You remember that Barry the Chopper guy. After you took us to the hospital, I had to send Al back to the inn 'cause he was fussing so much. But-"

"Ms. Rockbell...?"

The blonde turned an interesting shade of red, though somewhat subdued as the blood slowly drained from his face.

"In the hospital, Edward?"

"Shut up! We were only twelve, okay! It was the heat of the moment; we both almost _died _for crying out loud!"

"I see," Roy nodded as solemnly as possible, though it was rather offset by the smirk that had settled on his lips, "So you went through a traumatic experience with your childhood friend and, left alone together in a private hospital room, you decided to do a little...experimentation."

"Yeah well...it's not like it was very good. Neither of us had any idea what we were doing..."

"And you weren't _really _interested."

"Neither was she."

That was information Roy wasn't certain was meant for his ears, though he couldn't say he was really terribly surprised; but before he could respond, Edward was speaking again, turned and leaning back against the headstone (partly, the man thought, to reserve some of his strength) so they were finally facing one another. Once again the man found himself facing down all the questions he wasn't sure he wanted to be asked, but knew, this time, that they were unavoidable.

"I never understood it; even now, I just can't get it, so maybe you, in all of your understanding, can explain it to me.

"Even with only Mom around we knew what was expected of us. We were supposed to be polite, and fair, and always eat our vegetables. We were supposed to be nice to others and defend people if they were being treated badly. We were supposed to go to school and learn and get good grades and then go on to get a job and become a productive member of society.

"And we were supposed to grow up," he continued, his voice growing quiet as his eyes dropped to the ground, "And fall in love with one of our childhood friends, get married, have kids, buy a dog and a big house, and live happily ever after... But, if that's what I'm supposed to do," the blonde asked, making a valiant effort to keep some of the emotion out of his voice, but his eyes betrayed him, as they always had, "Then why, whenever I think about what I'm supposed to do next...all I see is _you_?"

Roy would swear for years to come that his heart had stopped for the seconds it took Edward speak again. Not a sound came out of his mouth, though his lips worked as though he wanted to say something. _But what?_ his mind asked over and over again. What could he say? What did Edward expect him to say? More importantly, what did Edward _want _him to say?

He was granted the small gift of some more time to think of his response, however, as the boy continued, perhaps realizing the man's utter loss. "When we finally figured it all out, Al asked me; what I was gonna do afterwards, y'know? But...I couldn't answer him. I've spent most of my life working toward a goal -- researching and tracking down leads and reading every book that even _mentions _Alchemy, trying to make life the way it should be; the way it should have _been_. So I had no idea what I was supposed to do -- what I _wanted _to do -- after it was finally over. Once I didn't have to _search _anymore.

"At first I thought we'd just move back to Rizenbul and maybe help out Granny at her shop but...then I realized...that I'd be too far away from _you_. Then I thought that maybe I could find a place and stay in East City, just leave the Military. I cause more trouble than I do good, so I doubt many people would miss me. But then I realized that I _still _wouldn't be seeing you as much, and what happened if you got promoted or transferred or something? What if you got shipped back to Central? Or..._anywhere _else?

"It was the same problem, no matter what idea I came up with. I don't like the thought of you...not being there...with _me_."

Roy was at a loss. He'd never expected to be faced with this, not so soon anyway. But, then again, Edward had always done things as quickly as he could; he was passionate and determined in everything he did, so why _shouldn't _he do this just the same? The main problem was that, as much as he believed he and Edward were alike, they were also different in some ways. Namely in that the almost desperate and pleading look in the boy's eyes spoke of how much he wanted to know the answers to these questions, but Roy didn't think he wanted to give them; didn't even know if he knew the answers in the first place.

"I'm not sure what to tell you, Edward," the man finally murmured slowly. "These are your own thoughts and uncertainties; I don't see what I can do-"

"Tell me what to do! You always know everything, right?"

"I can't do that, Edward. This isn't something that-"

"Then tell me what you _want _me to do!"

The blonde pushed suddenly off of the headstone, and Roy could tell from the way he staggered that it hadn't been the best idea. He was still weakening after expending so much energy earlier and he hadn't even given himself time to rest! His eyes seemed to be having a difficult time focusing on the man, but Ed refused the steadying hand at his elbow.

"There haven't been a lot of people in my life that I consider really important." The boy's words seemed rushed, as if he were trying to get them out before he _couldn't_. "Mom and Al, of course, and Granny Pinako and Winry. But then _you _came along and, damnit you're a bastard, but I don't like the idea of you being where I'm _not_. I already lost Mom, and I've come too close to losing Winry and Al. But _damnit _Roy, I don't-... Don't..."

Edward's face had been growing slowly paler, and Roy could see his entire body shaking with just the effort to stand. It didn't take him more than a moment to react when the boy finally collapsed, lunging forward to catch him before he hit the ground; or worse, the headstone. He wrapped his arms tightly around the boy, holding him up and barely realizing when Edward's hands clutched at his shirt until he heard the words whispered against his throat, "Please don't leave me, Roy. I don't want to be alone. Please don't leave me."

The man pulled away just enough that he could see the blonde's face, his eyes screwed shut and his lips still silently whispering the words. He seemed to be just barely holding onto consciousness, waiting for Roy's answer. Oddly enough, he found it then as easily as if it had been sitting there the whole time and, as he bent down, curling an arm under the boy's knees and lifting him, cradling him against his chest, Roy quietly whispered into the blonde's ear, "You will never be alone, Edward, as long as I have anything to say about it."

_-End_


End file.
